Friday, November 12, 2010

A Very Hard Journey

I am walking a road that one never expects to walk. This journey will be long - life long.
Roads like this many times begin with a phone call.  Just a routine phone call in the middle of the day.
My phone call came just like that. I did indeed expect a phone call that day coming upon one month ago. I expected an excited, “we’re ready, come on over to the house”, phone call. But instead the voice was anxious, bordering panic beckoning me to rush to the hospital where my daughter and son-in-love had gone. It was the beginning of rush hour. My house was on the other side of town. The freeway was crowded. Lots of stops. I in fact abandoned the freeway for surface streets. At least I was moving toward my destination. And all the while I prayed and dug deep inside my spirit for a glint of hope.
But the prayer was answered differently. I was given courage and strength.
My sweet grandson, Rhys Michael, passed from his mother’s womb into eternity just a few hours before his birth.
And I did cry out and ask why. I still do. But I am content to know that I may never know why. Just the knowledge that my Heavenly Father holds me a little closer when I ask, is comfort.
These are the things I am learning as I walk this rocky path.
My Heavenly Abba will never let me go. And He will never let my daughter and son-in-love go either. I have seen in them, as well as my husband and I strength that comes from somewhere else. From His Hand.
Comfort comes in different ways than we would like or think we need.
I’m learning that for a grandparent there is not the support out there that is offered to grieving parents. We take on the role of caregiver. We watch as our children hurt so very deeply and this is a boo boo that we can’t kiss away. So we do what we can, and offer what we can to the point of exhaustion.
We come home to mailboxes filled with ads and bills but no cards of sympathy. To empty refrigerators, too tired to shop after a full day of back to work stress. We answer the questions that everyone wants to know but would never ask the grieving parents.
There is support out there for those grieving pets, but not for grandparents. Crazy huh?
But this I have learned. There are those out there who are praying and remembering and thinking. They still blanket us with prayers of comfort in the privacy of their own homes and hearts.
I had this brought home to me two Saturdays ago as I went to my synagogue.
All I had to do was walk in and I had several embracing me, listening to me, allowing me to cry. “ You’ve been on my mind all week.”
Those are sweet words.
And so I’ll continue to walk. I am weary.
Within this year of 2010 I have either directly or indirectly with family and friends, walked this path of grief 12 times.
There is no merit badge for this one. Just the realization that G~d’s grace is sufficient. And that brings me comfort.
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